Sexual Chocolate

Hello My Pretties,
Well, I’m coming off of yet another bachelorette weekend! This time, it was for my middle sister, Devon (left), a frightfully sexy Washington DC lawyer getting married in October (you might recall that I enjoy calling her Brownie, because she’s sweet, soft, warm and brown). I threw the soiree with my youngest sister, Lauren, who's a content editor at MenuPages.com. Ohhh, it was so much fun! I can’t decide what was the best part! Was it…

1.) Spending the last three months perusing bachelorette party planning websites and buying random decorations and trinkets that no one ended up noticing but me? Things like, special bachelorette trivia cocktail napkins that ask things like, “How many times do you think the bride-to-be has made whoopee in her life?”

2.) Combing naughty specialty stores like Toys in Babeland for racy underthings? Now Brownie is the un-cheesiest girl I know, so the gift had to strike the perfect balance between raunch and chic. I ended up getting her a Candy G-String made out of strung-together candy necklaces (remember, from third grade?). Woo-hoo, do ya think I’m a nasty girl!!

3.) Sitting on the floor, surrounded by mounds of makeup, stuffing goodie bags with a personalized beauty regimen for each girl? Oh, I went to that special place. And a shout-out to Essie, who provided me with a bunch of electric-fuschia nail polishes—named Bachelorette Bash!!—for the girls.

4.) Giggling at Fonzworth Bentley’s eerily wrong Fashion Rocks performance at 5am, after we got home from dinner at Manhattan’s swanky Aspen restaurant and dancing with impassioned abandon at Lotus?

5.) Unveiling the enormous penis cake!! I got this brilliant slice of naughty deliciousness at a crazy East Village bakery called Masturbakers (hardy-har). Ladies, it's WAAAY to racy to reveal...but you can check it out Masturbakers.com (click on Cakes...its the "Male Torso," third down from the center. But a chocolate version, of course!). HAVE YOU EVER??! The thing was so detailed, it had six-pack abs and perfect little brown nipples!! But the best part wasn’t the anatomical correctness, however, it was the delicious chocolate icing. Omigod, once the cake was sliced, we sat around the table at Aspen in total silence, too busy inhaling the creamy chocolate perfection to speak. Is there anything better than good—really, REALLY GOOD—chocolate?

Well no, people, there isn’t. And that brings me to theme of this week’s post. Chocolate. Here, I bring you my favorite chocolate-scented products of all time. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a fan of food-scented beauty. I think it’s corny and ticky-tacky teenagery. And I especially loathe chocolate done wrong—I mean, who wants to walk around smelling like a Ho-Ho? No, this stuff is chocolate done chic---just some delicate-fragranced, decadent-feeling products for grownup girls with a sexy sweet tooth. And they won’t compete with your perfume…these subtle cocoa scents will be your own little secret. So enjoy! The sweet stuff happens to be one of fall’s hottest trends, and you won’t gain a pound.

Love,
Tia


TIA’S TOP FIVE CHOCOLATE PRODUCTS:

1.) BOURJOIS BRONZING POWDER, $18: Is this not the cutest thing ever?! This sunny bronzer is shaped to look like a real-life chocolate bar. And get this--it's cocoa-orange scented! So yummy, so cute--and just the thing to brighten your complexion as the cold, tan-fading weather sets in. I like to apply really rosy blush and then dust bronzer on top--it gives a really radiant, lying-in-the-afterglow flush.


2.) JAQUA MINT CHOCOLATE LIP WHIP, $14: Everything about this sheer bronzey-brown lip gloss is tres adorable—the hand-painted packaging (it looks likes some confection you’d find at a Victorian ice cream shoppe) to the absolutely dreamy scent (it’s slightly sweet, but infused with a minty tingliness—HEAVEN). Not licking the perfect-for-all-brown-skintones gloss off your lips is a challenge, but I believe in you girls. You’re a strong bunch.


3.) BOBBI BROWN POT ROUGE FOR LIPS & CHEEKS IN CHOCOLATE CHERRY, $22: Ms. Brown has whipped up a lovely little blush, here. Dab on the apples of your cheeks and, I swear, you’ll look instantly refreshed and awake. Now, this deep raisin-mahogany (it’s a lot darker in person) is an exception to today’s rule—it doesn’t actually smell like chocolate, but whatever. It’s in the name! And Bobbi Brown happens to so adore it that she’s teamed up with uber-fancy chocolate maker Vosges to whip up her own Bobbi Brown Candy Bar ($6) (she’s selling it at Vosges boutiques, Neiman Marcus, Bergdorf’s and BobbiBrownCosmetics.com)! Told you it was a major fall trend.


4.) PACIFICA MEXICA COCOA CANDLE, $7.95-$21.95 (round, square, votive 6-pack): I’m obsessed with Mexican cocoa, are you? Ever since me and my sisters used to go to the Mexico display at DC Children’s Museum and actually ground up the cinnamon-and-nutmeg-infused cocoa bars for our own hot chocolate, I’ve been in love. If you live in New York, you must go to Café Habana on Elizabeth Street for the best Mexican Cocoa this side of Quetzalcoatl. If you live anywhere else, buy this spicy-sexy candle! There’s a reason why it's a cult favorite among candle luvahs.


5.) TUTTI DULCI MOISTURIZING SOUFFLE in FANTASIA DI CIOCCOLATA, ($9.95): This lushly rich, lightly textured whipped body cream is so irresistible that I get separation anxiety when I must leave the house. So I carry the jar around with me in my fab python-skinned handbag. And now I have scoliosis. Just kidding. But seriously, applying this stuff is like taking a dip in a nutmeg-y, vanilla-y, subtly cocoa-infused cloud. And men LOVE it.