My miracle nipples

Hey Hey Hey,
I’m exhausted. Though I’m only 28 (and have been for three years), I am officially an old lady. Wanna know why I’m exhausted? Because I went out THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. Mama can no longer bounce back the way she used to. It’s really tragic, mourning the loss of your hot stuff, shake-your-money-maker-like-somebody’s-tryin-to-pay-ya former self. But even more tragic is the way I got into the party.

Allow me to set the scene. I’ve just arrived at Common’s pre-VMA “cookout” at Sky Studios, this deeply chic penthouse apartment that fancy folks rent out for parties. Oh, girls! It’s really all about the rooftop, which has a glittering pool (the view from the deck of downtown Manhattan is totally breathtaking…and oh yeah! It’s where Samantha and Richard slow-dance at dusk on S&TC), and a sultry secret garden (complete with lush trees and a tropical flowers…perfect spot for on-the-low trysts and omigod-did-you-see-her-hooker-shoes gossip sessions). The point is, Sky Studios is one of the sexiest party venues in the city. So that, coupled with the fact that yummy Common was the guest of honor made it impossible at the door. Okay, so I’m standing there with Adam, my sister Lauren, and our friend Mike the Suit (he’s a suitmaker-to-the-stars. Seriously, most of his clients have had their own Cribs episode). Outside the door, it’s absolute BEDLAM. The entire block is roped-off. ‘Bows are recklessly thrown. Folks are anxiously texting every baller on their call list, trying to work a hook-up. Now folks, I’m lucky enough to be on the damn list because one of my dearest friends, the very chic & sassy publicist, Miss Mashariki, is THROWING the party. But Door Guy isn’t impressed with this information, because at that moment, apple-bottomed video vixen Melyssa Ford is sauntering in. And she’s followed by Sleepy Brown, and a bevy of Victoria’s Secret models, and Kelis, and random NFL guys, and Janice Combs (okay, why?), all of whom sidle on in, sans problem. And I start to get heated. I tap on Door Guy’s shoulder again, and before I can say “I’m way too old to fight to get into yet another party where me and my adorable, brilliant, hilarious girlfriends are considered less interesting than Lauren Conrad,” he smiled benevolently and shoo’d us crew in. Hark! It was a miracle!! Of course, twenty minutes later I realized the true nature of said miracle. One of the straps of my plunging halter-top had slid over, totally exposing my nipple. Yes, girls, my nip was the miracle.

There is a moral to this story. You never know where you’re next miracle will come from. And for me, the most exciting miracles come in beauty product-form (I know, huge surprise!). And what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t share them with you? Behold, the five miracle-workers that are currently setting my world—and nipples—ablaze.

Love,
Tia

TIA’S TOP FIVE NEW MIRACLE-WORKERS

1.) TARTE FRXTION SUGAR EXFOLIATOR & LIP BALM DUO, $11: Okay, I have super-chapped lips. They’re so bad, I’m constantly either rubbing off the dead skin with my finger, or nibbling it off. A terrible habit, but what am I to do? Lip gloss on top of chapped lips is beyond gross. Well, the folks at Tarte have remedied this situation with this dual-sided flake-busting balm! The exfoliating side is embedded with brown sugar particles, that, when gently scrubbed against chapped lips, sloughs off all the flakes. The rich, vitamin E-infused side moisturizes your newly smooth lips, post-exfoliation. It’s brilliant. I’ve already worn the damn thing down to a nub! Oh, and the brown sugar tastes fantastic. Some guy on the subway caught me licking the sugary exfoliating side, and I was so humiliated, I had to get out three stops early.


2.) RESCUE BEAUTY NAIL POLISH IN REVAMP, $18: As evidenced by the fall runway shows and superstars like Lindsay, Nicole and J. Lo, this season’s hottest nail trend is goth-black polish on short, rounded nails. If you’re anything like me, though, black nail polish is just a tad too look-at-how-tough-I-am. You know? That’s why I hallelujah’d to the heavens when I saw Rescue’s take on the noir nails trend—Revamp is indeed black, but it’s blended with a deep ruby glitter. Oh, it’s breathtaking! On-trend, but with a chic twist.


3.) DUWOP SUB-SURFACE UNDEREYE PRE-CONCEALER TREATMENT, $22.50: I’m so excited about this product I can barely type!! Seriously, every single one of you should use Sub-Surface before applying concealer on blemishes. Here’s why. On one side, you have a medicated, salicylic acid-infused blemish treatment, and on the other, there’s a special primer that ensures your concealer won’t crease or separate or get oily during the day. Use the zit zapper first, then the primer, and finally, your concealer. So, while your skin LOOKS perfect, your blemishes are being treated, as well!! Have you ever?


4.) LANCOME FATALE 3D COMB MASCARA, $22: Remember when I talked about fiber mascaras, and how they made lashes look amazingly full? Well, if it’s length you’re after, it’s all about Fatale. Lancome has pioneered brand-new mascara technology—the usual wand had been replaced with a comb! So you’re literally applying the mascara with a built-in comb. Girls, this mascara is so potent, so dramatically lengthening, that your lashes will seem to touch your brows. My only thing—be very careful when applying, because it can get gunky if you’re not paying attention. Hot stuff!


5.) JOHNSON'S SOOTHING NATURALS SOOTHE & PROTECT BALM, $4.39: Ignore the fact that this balm is for babies. It’s fabulous. So, I was looking for something to moisturize my disgustingly dry elbows, feet, and ankles (sexy, yes, I know)—something heavy-duty, but not greasy. Herein lies the challenge. EVERYTHING super-moisturizing is greasy. Except for this adorable little pocket-size roll-up stick. It’s so mild you can use it on your face and lips, and it’s totally portable! I keep it in my bag for emergencies. So, yeah, baby products. I’m seeing them in a whole new light.