Beauty Junkies Against Bush

ANTM QUOTE OF THE WEEK, #2:
Brandy: "If we didn't get kicked off for hitting somebody, your ass would be tore up right now."
Tatiana: "I'm sure Brandy, I'm sure."
Brandy: "Yeah, you better be sure."
Tatiana: Yeah, I'm sure."
Brandy: "You better be real sure."

True story: When I was the beauty editor at Glamour, I was assigned to write a profile of Anna Nicole Smith. It was during Fashion Week, Spring 2000, and she was in town for the Lane Bryant runway show (this was way before TrimSpa, baby). The day of the show, I met her at an ultra-exclusive 5th Avenue salon to cover the details that went into her “primping” process—the retouching of her platinum roots, the brows plucked exactly like Marilyn, etc. Since Anna Banana spoke and still speaks as though she’s recently emerged from winter hibernation, our interview was unintelligible and Glamour couldn't even use the story.

But that’s not even the thing! The whole day, Anna was totally nekkid, with only a spa robe shielding me from her celebrated stuff. At one point—grasping at straws to get something, anything out of her—I said, “Did you always want to be a model as a little girl?” She responded, “Ohhh, uhh-huuuh! Ah jess knew ah’d beee a SSUUPERSSTAHH!” At which point she threw her arms in the air, Mary Katherine Gallagher-style, causing her robe to fly open and expose a set of breasts each the size of my head--and a FULL, PLATINUM-HUED BUSH. When I came-to, I realized I'd never be the same.

Ladies, its Spring Break season, and whether you prefer a nice edge-up on the sides, a Brazilian, or a baldy--I beg of you, trim that bush! Can't afford a sadistic Russian to do it for you? The good news is, these products make do-it-yourself bikini-line-maintenance a hell of a lot more glamorous!!!

TIA'S TOP TEN: Bikini-Grooming Essentials

1.) REMINGTON BKT-1000 TRIM & SHAPE BIKINI TRIMMER: Before shaping up, treat your "flower" to a little trim with this genius little phallic apparatus. Careful not to do it while in the shower or bath--everything must be dry.

2.)ART OF SHAVING LAVENDER SHAVE CREAM, SENSITVE SKIN: Never, ever shave with soap; it dehydrates your tender little skin. For the smoothest, most nick-free shave, you MUST use a shaving cream. If you tend to break out easily, definitely go with this one (its supposed to be for men, but would YOUR man use a boutique-y lavender scented cream?). It's a little expensive, but heavenly.

3.)KIEHLS CLOSE SHAVERETTE "SIMPLY MAHVELOUS LEGS" SHAVE CREAM: Got dry skin? This rich, creamy, ultra-indulgent formula is heaven-sent.

4.)SCHICK INTUITION RAZOR, SENSITIVE SKIN: The commercials are so annoying, with Jewel's "look-now-I'm-sexy" comeback ditty blaring in the background, but this is the best razor around. It comes with a moisturizing block (looks like soap, but its not) surrounding the razor that hydrates as you shave, leaving your skin ridiculously soft.

5.) SALLY HANSEN WAX STRIP KIT FOR FACE, EYEBROWS & BIKINI: Okay, so you wanna try the waxing thing at home? Forget goopy sugar waxes and cloth peels--and if the box says you have to microwave anything, its garbage. These skinny, perfect-size-for-your-bikini wax strips are FABULOUS (I used them for touch-ups on my honeymoon). Just warm one up between your hands, press it down in the direction of hair growth, then yank off in the opposite direction. I guess its a pain threshold thing?

6.) ORIGINS FIRE FIGHTER: Mmmm, this skin-soothing serum contains calming chamomile and tingly peppermint to relieve the burn you can feel right after shaving or waxing. Essential.

7.) COMPLETELY BARE SPA BIKINI BUMP BLASTER PADS: Completely Bare is an extremely chic spa in Manhattan, and also where I received my first Brazilian. I was speechless, shell-shocked, until my waxer produced a little pink pot bearing an illustration of a nude-but-clearly-chic girl clutching a fuchsia bump-blasting weapon. I'm such a sucker for sweet packaging that my mood immediately brightened. Anyway, starting the day after the waxing (or shaving), you swipe on these salicylic-acid infused pads every day to prevent hair bumps. It works like nobody's business!

8.) TEND SKIN: If you've got a particularly stubborn case of hair bumps (so unsightly in your Malia Mills two-piece), you must use Tend Skin, the cultest of cult beauty products. This anti-inflammatory is so hard-core its actually geared toward men with those beard bump things! Anyway, douse a cotton pad and swipe it on everyday between waxing/shavings--starting the day after.

9.)MONISTAT SOOTHING CARE ITCH RELIEF SPRAY: You know that wildly uncontrollable itch you get as your hair grows back in? Like you could kill somebody? Monistat just came out with this fantastic itch relief spray to solve that very problem--and get this, it sprays upside down!! Meaning, when you feel an itch you can just whip it out, stick it up your Calypso skirt, and give a discreet little spritz.

10.) I don't have a tenth, muchachitas--please don't think I'm slackin' on my pimpin'! Hey, but I do want to say that I'm DYING to respond to your great comments, but since you all signed on as "anonymous," I can't! I'd love to answer your beauty questions (especially the one about Ellin Lavar), so make sure you include your email in your comments. Until next time, muffins :-)

Happy Trimming!
xoxo,
tia

Makeup? Not me—I'm as natural as Vivica's lips

During my career as a editor, I've done my share of celebrity beauty interviews. And no matter who it is, I can count on the starlet delivering the following line: "You know, I wear so much makeup on the set, I can't bear it in my real life. Of course, she'll say this rocking enough eyeshadow to satisfy a small nation of trannies. And it's not just the Us Weekly-ettes—we all want people to think we're effortlessly flawless. I'll be the first to admit it. My "au natural" look involves surgeon-like concentration and some intensely-edited products, but it's worth it. I'm not one to brag (ha), but its so convincing that complete strangers have commented on my "lit-from-within-glow." Fine, maybe those exact words weren't used (and if they're guys it's more like "yo beautiful, can I holla at you for a minute?")—but because I'm so sweet, I'll let you in on my "no-makeup-makeup" regimen.

TIA'S TOP TEN: No-Makeup Makeup Products
1.) BIORE PORE PERFECT DAILY DEEP PORE-CLEARING CLEANSING PADS
www.drugstore.com
Much to the chagrin of every dermatologist I've ever interviewed, I don't wash my face. And its for the stupidest reason. I get a blowout every Sunday, and I'm not trying to splash water on my face and ruin my roots, okay? Anyway, these cleansing cloths do the job like nobody's busiiness, and they smell fresh and yummy.

2.) CLINIQUE DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT MOISTURIZING GEL
www.clinique.com
My beautiful mom used this iconic yellow moisturizer when I was a little girl, so it smells like her and reminds me of her and is altogether a sentimental treat. But different! Clinique just came out with this gel version for oiler skin types, like mine. Dot it on dry areas for the dewiest glow.

3.) PHILOSOPHY THE SUPERNATURALS AIRBRUSH COLOR-CORRECTORS IN DARK
www.philosophy.com
I'm sort of a cappuccino-brown color with a major yellow undertone, and I've never been able to find a concealer that makes the earth move for me. This one's genius because it comes with three, almost-but-not-quite shades I can blend together. I blend this on my undereye circles and the delightful new breakout on my chin.

4.) TARTE CHEEK STAIN IN SUNKISSED
www.sephora.com
I've used this for YEARS. A sheer bronzey shade, you just dab the stick on the apples of your cheeks, and blend in with your fingers. It's the most natural flush, ever. And it has a coconut, beachy scent!

5.) SHISEIDO THE MAKEUP HYDRO-POWDER EYE SHADOW IN TIGER EYE
www.sca.shiseido.com
A little pot of creamy, shimmery neutral delightfulness, this genius shadow dries to a powder finish and refuses to budge or crease all day. It's crazy—the other night I came home at 4am (don't ask) and it was more alive than me! Just use a finger to blend from lashes to crease.

6.) LANCOME HYPNOSE MASCARA IN BLACK
www.Lancome-USA.com
No clumps, no smears—just long, thick, "yeah, my mom had naturally long lashes, too" perfection. Oh, but always curl your lashes first; it makes your eyes look huge.

7.) C.O. BIGELOW MENTHA LIP SHINE
www.bigelowchemists.com
Until my Sahara-dry lips are exfoliated and moisturized, lipstick is a joke. First, I rub a wet washcloth across my lips, then I apply this yummy, super-strong peppermint balm. Seriously, it's so tasty I eat the excess off my fingers. Is that bad?

8.) MAC LIP PENCIL IN CORK plus HARD CANDY CANDY-COATING SPARKLING LIP GLOSS IN CARAMEL
www.maccosmetics.com | www.sephora.com
My top lip is darker than my bottom—an issue that's plagued me forever. To fix it, I fill in with Cork, a color that's the exact shade of my lips, then add the Sparkling Lip Gloss for a sexy, shimmery finish.

9.) NARCISO RODRIGUEZ FOR HER FRAGRANCE
www.bloomingdales.com
SOOO good. Every beauty editor is obsessed with this earthy, subtle, incense-y scent. Seriously, don't wear it if you don't want extra attention.

10.) ELLIN LAVAR TEXTURES NOURISH OIL
www.ellinlavar.com
To top off the "naturally beautiful" moment, I just run a drop of this amazing shine serum on my poor, over-processed ends. Ellin's new product line is amazing--she's worked with icons like Iman and Naomi, so she knows how to give great hair!

Try this stuff...no one will believe you didn't wake up this gorgeous!

xoxo,
tia

Hello Gorgeous

Welcome to “SHAKE YOUR BEAUTY” (insert curtsy here)! If you're in need of a beauty, style, or sexy-new-product fix, you’ve found the perfect pusher! As a beauty editor for YM, Elle, Glamour, Lucky, and Teen People, I’ve picked up tons of makeup, hair and skincare tips along the way (as well as a few rashes from over-fragranced products). So, drop me a line, ladies, and I’ll solve your beauty brouhaha in a flash. Remember, there are no dumb questions—dumb lipliner choices, maybe, but nothing a little Kim Mathers de-programming can’t fix!

Each entry will be one of three types: I’LL TELL YOU NO LIES, i.e., an answer to your beauty question; “TIA’S TOP TEN,” which can be anything from my favorite lip glosses to the worst hair in prime time; and LOVING IT, all about some fabulous product, trend, or celebrity that’s actually doing it right. And starting in May, the first person to correctly answer a delightfully obscure trivia question from THE ACCIDENTAL DIVA wins the "Product of the Month." Fun stuff!

I’ll get back to you with my first official entry. Until then, I'd like to share something with you. In each episode of America's Next Top Model, I find that someone says something incredibly insightful, illuminating--timeless, even. So, I've decided to institute an "ANTM" Quote of the Week. Very sage words, these.

Xoxo,
tia

ANTM Quote of the Week, #1
“I think the reason Mr. Jay dressed up was to show the rest of us that even though Michelle has scabies she can still be beautiful.”—Kahlen, Season 4