Monday, April 25, 2005

Beauty Junkies Against Bush

Brandy: "If we didn't get kicked off for hitting somebody, your ass would be tore up right now."
Tatiana: "I'm sure Brandy, I'm sure."
Brandy: "Yeah, you better be sure."
Tatiana: Yeah, I'm sure."
Brandy: "You better be real sure."

True story: When I was the beauty editor at Glamour, I was assigned to write a profile of Anna Nicole Smith. It was during Fashion Week, Spring 2000, and she was in town for the Lane Bryant runway show (this was way before TrimSpa, baby). The day of the show, I met her at an ultra-exclusive 5th Avenue salon to cover the details that went into her “primping” process—the retouching of her platinum roots, the brows plucked exactly like Marilyn, etc. Since Anna Banana spoke and still speaks as though she’s recently emerged from winter hibernation, our interview was unintelligible and Glamour couldn't even use the story.

But that’s not even the thing! The whole day, Anna was totally nekkid, with only a spa robe shielding me from her celebrated stuff. At one point—grasping at straws to get something, anything out of her—I said, “Did you always want to be a model as a little girl?” She responded, “Ohhh, uhh-huuuh! Ah jess knew ah’d beee a SSUUPERSSTAHH!” At which point she threw her arms in the air, Mary Katherine Gallagher-style, causing her robe to fly open and expose a set of breasts each the size of my head--and a FULL, PLATINUM-HUED BUSH. When I came-to, I realized I'd never be the same.

Ladies, its Spring Break season, and whether you prefer a nice edge-up on the sides, a Brazilian, or a baldy--I beg of you, trim that bush! Can't afford a sadistic Russian to do it for you? The good news is, these products make do-it-yourself bikini-line-maintenance a hell of a lot more glamorous!!!

TIA'S TOP TEN: Bikini-Grooming Essentials

Before shaping up, treat your "flower" to a little trim with this genius little phallic apparatus. Careful not to do it while in the shower or bath--everything must be dry.

Never, ever shave with soap; it dehydrates your tender little skin. For the smoothest, most nick-free shave, you MUST use a shaving cream. If you tend to break out easily, definitely go with this one (its supposed to be for men, but would YOUR man use a boutique-y lavender scented cream?). It's a little expensive, but heavenly.

Got dry skin? This rich, creamy, ultra-indulgent formula is heaven-sent.

The commercials are so annoying, with Jewel's "look-now-I'm-sexy" comeback ditty blaring in the background, but this is the best razor around. It comes with a moisturizing block (looks like soap, but its not) surrounding the razor that hydrates as you shave, leaving your skin ridiculously soft.

Okay, so you wanna try the waxing thing at home? Forget goopy sugar waxes and cloth peels--and if the box says you have to microwave anything, its garbage. These skinny, perfect-size-for-your-bikini wax strips are FABULOUS (I used them for touch-ups on my honeymoon). Just warm one up between your hands, press it down in the direction of hair growth, then yank off in the opposite direction. I guess its a pain threshold thing?

Mmmm, this skin-soothing serum contains calming chamomile and tingly peppermint to relieve the burn you can feel right after shaving or waxing. Essential.

Completely Bare is an extremely chic spa in Manhattan, and also where I received my first Brazilian. I was speechless, shell-shocked, until my waxer produced a little pink pot bearing an illustration of a nude-but-clearly-chic girl clutching a fuchsia bump-blasting weapon. I'm such a sucker for sweet packaging that my mood immediately brightened. Anyway, starting the day after the waxing (or shaving), you swipe on these salicylic-acid infused pads every day to prevent hair bumps. It works like nobody's business!

If you've got a particularly stubborn case of hair bumps (so unsightly in your Malia Mills two-piece), you must use Tend Skin, the cultest of cult beauty products. This anti-inflammatory is so hard-core its actually geared toward men with those beard bump things! Anyway, douse a cotton pad and swipe it on everyday between waxing/shavings--starting the day after.

You know that wildly uncontrollable itch you get as your hair grows back in? Like you could kill somebody? Monistat just came out with this fantastic itch relief spray to solve that very problem--and get this, it sprays upside down!! Meaning, when you feel an itch you can just whip it out, stick it up your Calypso skirt, and give a discreet little spritz.

10.) I don't have a tenth, muchachitas--please don't think I'm slackin' on my pimpin'! Hey, but I do want to say that I'm DYING to respond to your great comments, but since you all signed on as "anonymous," I can't! I'd love to answer your beauty questions (especially the one about Ellin Lavar), so make sure you include your email in your comments. Until next time, muffins :-)

Happy Trimming!


Blogger Shelia said...

ROFL...Okay, I couldn't stop laughing. Perfect title for the entry.

11:13 PM  
Anonymous lisa said...

Omigod, you are hilarious! Beauty Junkies Against Bush?

Anyway, I thought I'd sign in and re-post my questions so you can answer them.

Thank you!

1. Do you use the Ellin Lavar serum on your hair while it's wet?

2. Can you suggest any methods, products to help someone who would like their (very fine) relaxed hair to grow without a weave or braids?

9:47 AM  
Blogger Tia Williams said...

Hey Lisa,
Hey girl! I’m THRILLED you like my blog and hope you keep stopping by! Anyway, the Ellin Lavar NourishOil is fabulous, and like Anne Heche, it goes both ways. I apply it both on damp hair before blowdrying, and everyday to my ends to keep them looking so fresh & so clean (only use a tad...a little goes a LONG way).

How to make your hair grow. First of all, don’t believe the myth that frequent trims make your hair grow faster---that’s ridiculous, hair can't grow if its being cut every five seconds! I’d get a trim every three months, no more than one inch, just to keep your ends nice. Also, every time you shampoo, use a deep conditioner (Pantene makes a great one for relaxed hair), rinse after five minutes, and apply a leave-in fortifying treatment to promote growth (Infusium makes incredible ones).

Other than that, prevent breakage by using satin or sateen pillowcases and never sleeping in a ponytail...the rest is up to patience and genes!!!


12:14 PM  
Anonymous lisa said...

Hi Tia,

Thanks for the quick response! I'm going to try that NourishOil.

I really appreciate the hair growth advice too. I never really believed the "frequent trim" myth since it always seemed to stop my progress. I'm going to try that nourish oil for my ends.

And I'm definitely going to keep checking your blog and your beauty advice.

Take care!

12:49 PM  
Anonymous brooklynisis said...

This blog is now my guilty pleasure along with spending hours in Sephora and reading Us Weekly, InTouch and Life & Style...

Thanks Tia!!!! Wonderful tips!!!

BTW - where do you get your blow outs? The proverbial Dominican spots or elsewhere? I like this Dominican spot in Fort Greene near me on Waverly (Bonita's I only go to Carmen... she is there Mon-Sat). She puts her back into it, straighten my roots like noone's bidness and gets my hair STRAIGHT even without a relaxer (I get one once a year) ;-)

2:46 PM  
Blogger Tia Williams said...

we are so on the same page, its not even funny. I used to live right around the corner from Bonita's, and went there every Sunday. Now that I live in Park Slope I found a new spot--but yes, I'm true to the Dominican salons. Every Sunday. NO ONE can get my hair straighter, silkier, or sexier (Chaka Khan's "Ain't Nobody" should be playing in the background).

But keep stopping by...I'm going to post a column all about our Latina hair gurus!


11:24 AM  
Blogger **Christen** said...

I'm loving this blog and the title of this entry is too hilarious. I'll definitely be stopping by more often

3:15 PM  
Blogger princessdominique said...

Hilarious post. I love your blog! I have linked your blog to mine!

5:19 PM  
Blogger Tia Williams said...

Dear Shelia & Christen,
Thanks for stopping by, ladies! So happy you're happy and hope you keep stopping by...I've been bad about updating this week because I had an awful migraine for three days (I've had them since I was father always said it was God's way of putting me in "time out" b/c I'm such a diva). Anyway, I hope I can continue to give you a chuckle :-)

And Princess Dominique, DARLING,
Thanks so much for adding me to your blog!!! I'm going to read it right now. LOVE your screams beauty junkie. Am I right?


5:30 PM  
Blogger Shelley Halima said...

I'm still laughing as I write this. Love the title, LOL. I needed this today.

10:59 AM  
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