Beauty Junkies Against Bush

ANTM QUOTE OF THE WEEK, #2:
Brandy: "If we didn't get kicked off for hitting somebody, your ass would be tore up right now."
Tatiana: "I'm sure Brandy, I'm sure."
Brandy: "Yeah, you better be sure."
Tatiana: Yeah, I'm sure."
Brandy: "You better be real sure."

True story: When I was the beauty editor at Glamour, I was assigned to write a profile of Anna Nicole Smith. It was during Fashion Week, Spring 2000, and she was in town for the Lane Bryant runway show (this was way before TrimSpa, baby). The day of the show, I met her at an ultra-exclusive 5th Avenue salon to cover the details that went into her “primping” process—the retouching of her platinum roots, the brows plucked exactly like Marilyn, etc. Since Anna Banana spoke and still speaks as though she’s recently emerged from winter hibernation, our interview was unintelligible and Glamour couldn't even use the story.

But that’s not even the thing! The whole day, Anna was totally nekkid, with only a spa robe shielding me from her celebrated stuff. At one point—grasping at straws to get something, anything out of her—I said, “Did you always want to be a model as a little girl?” She responded, “Ohhh, uhh-huuuh! Ah jess knew ah’d beee a SSUUPERSSTAHH!” At which point she threw her arms in the air, Mary Katherine Gallagher-style, causing her robe to fly open and expose a set of breasts each the size of my head--and a FULL, PLATINUM-HUED BUSH. When I came-to, I realized I'd never be the same.

Ladies, its Spring Break season, and whether you prefer a nice edge-up on the sides, a Brazilian, or a baldy--I beg of you, trim that bush! Can't afford a sadistic Russian to do it for you? The good news is, these products make do-it-yourself bikini-line-maintenance a hell of a lot more glamorous!!!

TIA'S TOP TEN: Bikini-Grooming Essentials

1.) REMINGTON BKT-1000 TRIM & SHAPE BIKINI TRIMMER: Before shaping up, treat your "flower" to a little trim with this genius little phallic apparatus. Careful not to do it while in the shower or bath--everything must be dry.

2.)ART OF SHAVING LAVENDER SHAVE CREAM, SENSITVE SKIN: Never, ever shave with soap; it dehydrates your tender little skin. For the smoothest, most nick-free shave, you MUST use a shaving cream. If you tend to break out easily, definitely go with this one (its supposed to be for men, but would YOUR man use a boutique-y lavender scented cream?). It's a little expensive, but heavenly.

3.)KIEHLS CLOSE SHAVERETTE "SIMPLY MAHVELOUS LEGS" SHAVE CREAM: Got dry skin? This rich, creamy, ultra-indulgent formula is heaven-sent.

4.)SCHICK INTUITION RAZOR, SENSITIVE SKIN: The commercials are so annoying, with Jewel's "look-now-I'm-sexy" comeback ditty blaring in the background, but this is the best razor around. It comes with a moisturizing block (looks like soap, but its not) surrounding the razor that hydrates as you shave, leaving your skin ridiculously soft.

5.) SALLY HANSEN WAX STRIP KIT FOR FACE, EYEBROWS & BIKINI: Okay, so you wanna try the waxing thing at home? Forget goopy sugar waxes and cloth peels--and if the box says you have to microwave anything, its garbage. These skinny, perfect-size-for-your-bikini wax strips are FABULOUS (I used them for touch-ups on my honeymoon). Just warm one up between your hands, press it down in the direction of hair growth, then yank off in the opposite direction. I guess its a pain threshold thing?

6.) ORIGINS FIRE FIGHTER: Mmmm, this skin-soothing serum contains calming chamomile and tingly peppermint to relieve the burn you can feel right after shaving or waxing. Essential.

7.) COMPLETELY BARE SPA BIKINI BUMP BLASTER PADS: Completely Bare is an extremely chic spa in Manhattan, and also where I received my first Brazilian. I was speechless, shell-shocked, until my waxer produced a little pink pot bearing an illustration of a nude-but-clearly-chic girl clutching a fuchsia bump-blasting weapon. I'm such a sucker for sweet packaging that my mood immediately brightened. Anyway, starting the day after the waxing (or shaving), you swipe on these salicylic-acid infused pads every day to prevent hair bumps. It works like nobody's business!

8.) TEND SKIN: If you've got a particularly stubborn case of hair bumps (so unsightly in your Malia Mills two-piece), you must use Tend Skin, the cultest of cult beauty products. This anti-inflammatory is so hard-core its actually geared toward men with those beard bump things! Anyway, douse a cotton pad and swipe it on everyday between waxing/shavings--starting the day after.

9.)MONISTAT SOOTHING CARE ITCH RELIEF SPRAY: You know that wildly uncontrollable itch you get as your hair grows back in? Like you could kill somebody? Monistat just came out with this fantastic itch relief spray to solve that very problem--and get this, it sprays upside down!! Meaning, when you feel an itch you can just whip it out, stick it up your Calypso skirt, and give a discreet little spritz.

10.) I don't have a tenth, muchachitas--please don't think I'm slackin' on my pimpin'! Hey, but I do want to say that I'm DYING to respond to your great comments, but since you all signed on as "anonymous," I can't! I'd love to answer your beauty questions (especially the one about Ellin Lavar), so make sure you include your email in your comments. Until next time, muffins :-)

Happy Trimming!
xoxo,
tia