Tuesday, May 24, 2005

She lost by a hair

Hello all,
I'm SO happy Keenya did not win the lofty-but-sneakily-vague title of America's Next Top Model (if you're "next," you're certainly not "first," so it all seems a bit like you're competing to become a runner-up). Among her annoying qualities was a tendency to be:
1. LOUD AND WRONG. [Keenya: "Naima just doesn't seem black to me--I don't get that from her." Naima: "I am black."]
2. EVIL TO SWEET GIRLS. [Keenya, judging a shot of Naima's: "I just see dirt. She looks dirty, like, in her underwear."]
3. PSYCHOTICALLY HUNGRY DESPITE THE POOCH. [Keenya: "What's that?" Kahlen: "Chocolate muffin." Keenya: "Can I have a tiny piece?"]

Now, I am not perfect. Oh stop, no, no...I'm not. Loudness runs in my family and I'm often wrong, but ever since a bout with stage fright in sixth grade during my oral report about a great South African leader named "Howie Mandela," (how apt) I try never to be both simultaneously. And Lord knows I've been evil, but only to those who really, really deserve it. Any of my friends could tell you I'm ALWAYS hungry and ALWAYS eating--but I'm also not in a modeling competition (how would Keenya've faired in those crotch-riding, everything-but-the-nip swimsuits in the runway finale?). But no, the absolute worst, worst thing about Keenya was THAT HAIR. Not only was her confessional 'do a nightmare--those swept to one side, James Brown curls, ach!--but the weave was wack. When Keenya wore a ponytail, she made zero effort to smooth down the pieces sticking out in the front and back--and she actually went on her go-sees like this!! WHAT? And it wasn't just her, KAHLEN'S WEAVE WAS A DISASTER, too! Just a clumpy, matted monsoon of mommy-I-need-a-new-Barbie hair in the back, with her natural bangs in front. WHAT? Ladies, never let 'em see where your real stuff ends and the faux stuff starts--so sloppy.

The point of today's lesson is this. Whether you're unbe-weave-able or all-natural, no one should ever SEE the tricks behind your hairstyle. Speaking of tricks, because this is my promise here at "Shake Your Beauty," I will let you in on the FIVE cult hair products (sorry, not ten this time--some things are sacred) secretly beloved by beauty editors, top hairstylists and celebrities since the dawn of man. None of which can help Keenya, at this point.

shhhh!
tia

TIA'S TOP FIVE CULT HAIR PRODUCTS
1.) REDKEN HEAT GLIDE:
Everyone knows heat-damage leads to brittle, dry, crazy-lady hair, so don’t even PICK UP the flat-iron or blowdryer before applying a dab of this heat-protecting serum from roots to ends—it shields hair from high temps, smoothes frizz like nobody’s business, and leaves the silkiest, straightest finish. [FOR FLAT-IRONED HAIR]

2.) AVEDA PHOMOLLIENT STYLING FOAM:
Obviously its not about the scent, but mmm—very aromatherapeutic! Anyway, if you’re desperately seeking sexy volume and bounce, work this brilliantly non-sticky, virtually weightless styling foam into damp roots before drying [FOR FINE, THIN HAIR].

3.) OUIDAD BOTANICAL BOOST SPRAY:
For curly girls in-the-know (like Sarah Jessica Parker and, ahem, me), discovering this curl-defining/refining spritz was not unlike stumbling upon a man willing to hold your “maybe” pile during a sample sale (Ouidad’s NYC salon-cum-curly hair mecca is similarly moving). On wash-and-go days, I spritz it on damp hair and scrunch for perfectly defined, frizz-free curls--with no gross 80s crunchiness! [FOR CURLY HAIR]

4.) PHYTO-NECTAR ULTRA-NOURISHING SHAMPOO:
I swear, I don’t have a thing with yummy scents, but this shampoo leaves your hair smelling faintly of honey and roses—so fresh! The deeper reason its such a stylist favorite is that it’s chock full of essential oils that protect hair from heat, sun and styling damage—great for the summertime. [FOR NORMAL-DRY HAIR TYPES]

5.) MIZANI MOISTUREFUSE MOISTURIZING CONDITIONER:
If you got unreasonably excited about my last post (the L’Oreal Glossing Toner), than listen carefully! That product is amazing because it makes trashed hair instantly APPEAR brilliant, but this strengthening, re-hydrating deep conditioner works over time to heal each weak strand from the inside, out. [FOR OVERPROCESSED, CHEMICALLY-DAMAGED HAIR TYPES]

8 Comments:

Anonymous Singing said...

*hollerin* Those weaves were out of this world!!!! When I saw Ms. Loud and Wrong with that ponytail...and I was looking at her own hair hanging down in the back...I almost fell off the couch while shouting...REVOKE HER SISTA GIRL CARD!! That was a hot mess!!!

By the way...I must say how much I loved your book. I read it in almost one day!!! (I was too drunk that evening to finish it in one day.) When is the next one going to be out?? hunh? hunh?

11:17 PM  
Blogger Butta said...

I've never understood the whole bad weave culture. If you can't afford to get a good weave (no visible tracks or glue, naturalesque-looking hair, low mat factor, etc) and keep said weave up, then back away slowly from the tracks.

As far as the chickies on ANTM are concerned, Keenyah was wrong on so many hair levels. She clearly has never had a weave maintenance class. Surprised Tyra doesn't teach one. Then again, not really.

1:52 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Keenyah was just wrong all around. I was over her and her sidekick Brittney about real fast.

Kahlen, while very sweet and able to take a darn good picture, always looked like she'd just rolled out of bed at the judgings. WTH?

I was for Naima from the jump.

10:35 AM  
Anonymous Sha-Bowles said...

Tia, you are as fabulous and full-of-it as ever! Your blogs are great and I can just hear you saying it all. This is Lisa Bowles- I got wind of your site from another of our mutual P-nette friends. I live in LA now- are you ever out here? send a note if you ever get the chance- you busy girl! lisa@kairos.la

5:44 PM  
Blogger MalcaJ said...

yesss yesss antm was definitely unbeweaveable...Keenya was at the top of the list especially when she had that hair bush smacked to the side of her head and i never understood the big fuss over Kahlen who never seemed to completely be all together there

and i must say it again...Naima did her thang but shes no Eva Diva...(did y'all catch her on the cover of King magazine?)

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She lost by a hair?????....more like she lost by a gut!!!!!!!

12:12 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

I never knock a sistah for wearing a weave....but it MUST BE DONE RIGHT!!! I love the fact that we can rock sooo many styles from week to week,,but they must be DONE RIGHT!!!! Especially when you are on "NATIONAL T.V." for gods sake!!!

The right girl won!!!!

2:23 PM  
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