Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Twinkle, Twinkle Singed 'n' Charred...or, How to look like you've been chillin' in Tahiti while avoiding tanning beds


“You’ve been through anger management, you’ve been through your grandmother getting her lights turned off to buy you a swimsuit for the competition, and you laugh?”
--Tyra to Tiffany

“Y’all need to get a life…read a book, or something.’”
--Tiffany’s grandmother

The week before their wedding, a couple hurried into a neon-covered midtown tanning parlor, hoping their huge shades and low basketball caps rendered them unrecognizable. They'd be an odd sight, sneaking into a place like a caramel-skinned Latino and a cinnamon-skinned black chick, they were significantly browner than the usual clientele (and even so, most white women wouldn't be caught dead fake-baking, aware that tanning rays cause major wrinkling and possibly skin cancer—and who knows what stripper wore those spa slippers before them?). But when a longer-than-The-Aviator winter left their skin looking dull and washed-out, they convinced themselves, like 1950s coeds, that nothing bad would happen their first time. They knew better, but dammit, they also knew A SEXY GLOW WAS CRUCIAL FOR THEIR WEDDING PICTURES!

Bathed in shame, the couple was greeted by an orange, muscle-bound Joey Bagadonuts-type-guy with a “Lawn-gai-land” accent. Visibly confused as to why people born with tans wanted tans (whooa, that whole 'wanting what you already got thing' must be how those gays feel!!?), he instructed them to get naked, gave them spa robes and eye-protectors and led each to their own human-sized microwave (to keep them awake during the fifteen minute session, he blasted a CD of 90’s dance hits into the pods). Losing their minds to a stream of classics like “What is Love” and “Finally,” our couple stood in the blistering, claustrophobic pods feeling SO WRONG---who were they, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline? Everyone knew those rays were deadly (and the girl, a gorgeous, brilliant beauty editor who’d written countless articles on the subject, had NO EXCUSE), not to mention the whole thing was as tacky and dated as Paula Abdul. In the end, the dazzling duo looked positively radiant in their pictures, but a very valuable lesson was learned on their honeymoon when flakes the size of Rhode Island started showing up and asking for room service.

To wrap things up, no matter if you're super-fair or the deepest brown, EVERYONE LOOKS A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER SUN-KISSED. It's just a beauty truth. But remember this: Vanity should never win out over common sense. Get some sun-kissed, just-returned-from-Tahiti action with these bronzy makeup picks, not by boiling in some germ-infested Pod of Death.

Beachy-Sheen Products

1.) Secret Sparkle Body Spray, Vanilla Shimmer, $4.49:
Sometimes brilliance is found in the most unexpected of places. Okay, Secret Deodorant, everyone’s heard of it—its great (the only one I use—Ocean Breeze is insane). But I was totally shocked to discover how breezily, warmly feminine their new Shimmer Body Sprays are! And its not just about the ultra-sheer Peach, Rose, Tropical, and Vanilla (my favorite) scents, it’s the to-die-for sparkly sheen the Spray leaves on your skin—so summery! Secret could charge a hell of a lot more.

2.) MAC Refined Beyond Bronze Powder, $18.50:
Unless you’re into the Pig Pen look, matte bronzers are way over. This coffee-colored bronzer is sheer enough for all complexions, and has luminous mica flecks that deflect light away from imperfections like acne scars (stop picking!), leaving skin totally flawless.

3.) Benefit Gilded, $18:
I learned this gold shimmer pencil trick from Mally Roncal, celeb makeup artist and goddess responsible for every look you’ve seen on Beautiful B over the last three years or so. Anyway, to make your lips look Island Mama-pouty, before gloss, use gold pencil to lightly highlight inside the bow of your top lip (the little “V” in the middle of the outer rim, and blend with a finger.

4.) Cover Girl LipSlicks in Bronze Goddess, $3.99:
My first, my last, my everything. In the seventh grade, LipSlicks was the only thing I wore, and its still one of my major staples today. The sheer bronzey gleam it gives your lips is so tropical-without-trying.

5.) Chanel Glossimer in Zanzibar, $24:
For those of you interested in a more 12th grade moment, this sparkly, golden-tawny gloss is all about an opaque, long-lasting, megawatt finish. Somewhere J. Lo is buying it right this second.

6.) Revlon Skinlights Instant Skin Brightener Lotion Bronzer, Warm Light; $11.99:
Speaking of J. Lo, this transparent bronzing moisturizer is like Miami, bottled. Swipe it over cheekbones, forehead, bridge of nose and chin (where the sun naturally hits you) for a beachy sheen.. For more coverage, mix with a drop of foundation.

7.) Lancome Shimmering Blush Cheek Sets; $15:
So genius, its been knocked off more than those Indian Maharaja flats. You’ll see why---this portable roll contains forty-eight chic, tissue-thin sheets lightly dusted with luminous rosy-bronze powder (it comes in four gorgeous bronze shades). Sweep your cheeks with just one twinkly-radiant sheet and you won’t know what hit you.

8.) Neutrogena Healthy Defense Trio SPF 30, Medium 03; $11.99:
No time, attention span, or room for more products? This trusty palette whittled the sunny-sheen look down to three essentials—a bronze cream for cheeks and eyes, sheer golden lip gloss, and translucent powder for iffy T-zones.

9.) Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer, Medium Skin Tones; 6.99:
Jergen’s Natural Glow, a revolutionary body lotion blended with self-tanner, is so, so…REVELATORY that it’s sold out everywhere and isn’t even available on the web anymore (I could only find a link to an auction, that’s how serious it is). But check in with your local drugstores—they’ve assured me they’re restocking.

10.) Dior Addict Backstage Nail Enamel in Sparkling Yellow; $16.50:
To die for, to die for. I’m hyperventilating. Get thee to Sephora, if you have one near you. Inspired by their Spring collections, Dior whipped up these glittery, candy-colored sheers for Sephora, exclusively. I love this gold one—very bored rich bitch taking a lover in her seaside cabana.


Blogger Adige said...

Why, girl. Why?

7:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


6:48 AM  

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