Skittles vs. Booty-Panties

Hey girls,
What's shakin', bacon? Ladies, I am ashamed. I am ashamed because this week, two things happened to me that confirmed a suspicion I've had for quite some time--that I have some sort of undiagnosed beauty compulsion. If I tell you what I did, will you still think I'm sweet and pretty? Promise?

Here goes. And if you notice, TV is totally to blame.

1.) So, the other day I was a guest on Fox News' "Red Eye" (a late-night roundtable thingie discussing celeb gossip and stuff). One of our topics was a recent newspaper interview with some inmates at Linwood Correctional Facility, the scene of Paris' recent incarceration. In the article, the ladies reveal their behind-bars makeup tricks. Since cosmetics are strictly verboten, they improvise, using red Skittles as lipstick and blush, coffee grinds as eyeshadow, and black pens as eyeliner. Well, I was FASCINATED by this. You can imagine what happened next. Yes, the very next day I found myself in Duane Reade, buying a bag of Skittles. And yes, I licked a couple of red ones, and proceeded to rub them all over my lips. Now, here's where things went wrong. I have a bad habit of nibbling off my lip skin, and sometimes I go too deep and I break the skin. On this particular day, I happened to have a little cut on my bottom lip--and when the Skittles sugar hit the cut, not only did it sting like all get-out, my lip blew up THREE SIZES. When asked about the puffiness, I went for the sexy lie ("Well, this is what happens when it's your anniversary and you make out with your husband for, like, five hours! I know, we're like randy teenagers!"). Hello and welcome to Loserville.


2.) Yep, that was me on BET's "Meet the Faith" last weekend, discussing plastic surgery with Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Griffin, and evangelist Juanita Bynum! My position, of course, was anti-surgery. At one point, I mentioned that my ex-boyfriend hated my flat butt--but hello, that doesn't mean I'm gonna go out and get implants, does it? At which point, Dr. Griffin happily offered to give me butt implants at a discount. On national TV, this happens.
Behind-the-scenes, this sparked a discussion about a special bum-enhancer panty--and of course, the second I got home, I ordered the damn thing (fedex delivery, no less). The deeply unattractive Rago Enhancer Panty ($24) comes with two little pads that go over each cheek. I couldn't wait to try it out! I decided to start small, so I wore it on a walk to the Haagen Das up the street. I'm feeling good, imagining that all the stay-at-home Park Slope dads are ogling me as I wiggle down 7th Ave. Everything's cool until I went to sit on an outside bench with my cone. Somehow, the butt pads threw off my depth perception and I thought the bench was higher than it was. So I ended up toppling to the ground, in full view of said stay-at-home dads. So DUMB. I've since retired the ugly booty panties--because it's weird and wrong, but also because Adam says it looks like a little animal and he'll shoot it if he sees it again.

Thank you for letting me purge! Hopefully, you've learned something from my foolishness. And now, my favorite part--I've been itching to do this post for awhile, but I keep putting it off because it's so unglamorous. Here's the thing...I can go on and on about blush, body bronzers and nailpolish, but that stuff means nothing if you're starting with an un-fabulous canvas (ie, spotty face, rough skin, chapped lips, overgrown cuticles, etc.). This week, it's all about the maintenance products that buff your face, body and nails to a gleaming finish--so you can pile on the cosmetics and look your sexy best! Whoever's rubbing up against you at night will looove me for this.

xoxo,
Tia

TIA'S TOP FIVE MAINTENANCE ESSENTIALS

I.) PRETTY HANDS & FEET ROUGH SKIN REMOVER, $6.99: My feet suck in the summer. Somehow, the combination of sandals and tons of city walking make my feet look like my father's--scaly, rough, horrendous. This mysterious, milky, exfoliating lotion is a total drugstore classic AND a godsend! I'm not sure how it works (and the company has always kept the recipe under wraps), but here's how you use it: Before you take a shower, shake it up and apply a tiny bit to dry spots, like elbows, knees, hands, ankles, or feet. Massage it in and miraculously, the rough skin just rooollls off. Not only does it leave your skin totally smooth, rolling off all that old, dead skin is wildly, ecstatically satisfying.


2.) MAVALA CUTICLE REMOVER, $8.99: When I'm bored or blocked (in a writerly way, not a constipated way), i enjoy removing my cuticles. Which is why I've been a fan of Mavala's brilliant Cuticle Remover since 1994. You just paint the stuff on your cuticles, and after a couple seconds, the magical formula softens and loosens that gross, overgrown skin, so you can basically just wipe it off. Again, sooo satisfying. Honestly, therapists need to start handing this stuff out at sessions.


3.) DOVE ULTIMATE CLEAR ANTIPERSPIRANT & DEODORANT IN SMOOTH CASHMERE, $5.29: It's super-unsexy to discuss deodorant, so please know that the only reason I'm going there is because this one has CHANGED MY LIFE. When Dove sent me their new, anti-streaking, skin-smoothing situation, I poo-poo'ed (how many deodorants claim not to streak, and then leave jailhouse stripes on your black Mayle blouse?). Well, it's true, and then some. Not only is it streak-free on your clothes, but...you know how you usually have to rub in deodorant so it doesn't turn your skin all powdery? Dove's new formula is totally undetectable, leaving only a silky-smooth finish under your arms. So, so good--just hide it from your man. I caught Sunshine using mine, tee-hee.


4.) NEUTROGENA ADVANCED SOLUTIONS ACNE MARK FADING PEEL, $13.50: Probably the most popular question I get is, "How the hell do I get rid of acne scars?" I've talked a lot about the brilliance of Bliss Sleeping Peel Serum, but it's sixty bucks, yo! Neutrogena's Acne Mark Fading Peel is just as fabulous (it's all about the special enzymes and salicylic acid), and it's a fraction of the price. Use it three times a week, before bed--and watch your acne marks and other scars go the way of Montell Jordan!


5.) LORAC GLOSS STICK, $15: I've found it! Chapstick that doubles as a clear lipgloss! Lorac's Gloss Stick is the perfect thing on those cutoff shorts and wifebeater days, when you're makeup-free, but still want a little "oomph." It's blended with sunflower and macademia seed oils, so it's seriously moisturizing--but this tricky little stick also give lips major, Jerry-Hall-at-Studio-54 shine. And the all-natural vanilla scent makes me happy.